goodbye, too soon

I am confused. Bewildered. So, so angry. How could this happen again?

Mom and Dad on my wedding day, November 22, 2008

This time, the sudden loss of my dad didn’t shatter as much as the sudden loss of my mom and uncle. The world already seemed less safe. I have had two years of practice walking through the world feeling incomplete. I have become more comfortable sitting with my negative emotions.

When I learned without warning that my dad had died, it had eerie similarities to learning that my mom and uncle had died. I was in a different place, on a different day. It was morning instead of afternoon. But, I was not prepared for it. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I was 38.5 weeks pregnant instead of 37 weeks pregnant. Both memorial services fell exactly five days before my due date.

Two of my three babies will have joined this world when my heart was full of sorrow. I will again, have to find the space and do the exhausting work of holding both the joy and the pain. But, this time, I know I can survive. I have done it before.

It feels so unfair. To be an orphan at 33. To not have my parents know my kids. But, as my sister and I talked about the other day, one of my mom’s favourite things to say to us was: “life is not fair.” How right she was.

I don’t understand, and I’m not sure that I ever will. Goodbye to my parents, my home base, my childhood. Hello to this empty new world.