Find some beauty


Yesterday was hard. It was long. It was tiring. I felt like I had hit a wall. I felt like there was no possible way I could survive until Eric got home. But I did.

I woke up yesterday after not enough sleep to a fussy Madeleine. By the time Eric left for work, Maddy had cried through her morning bath, and refused to eat breakfast. When her first nap came, it took me 45 minutes to get her asleep… and she woke up after 25 minutes. We had just enough time to eat a little snack before we left at 10:30am for our hour-ish drive to therapy. Maddy cried almost the entire way… but as luck would have it, fell asleep to finish off that morning nap five minutes before we arrived at Blue Balloon (isn’t this always the way??!).

At therapy, our OT remarked that Maddy was not as receptive as she had been last week. She handled the hour adequately, but it was apparent that she was not in the mood for it. Following the hour of OT, we saw our PT for a half hour. Maddy cried through the entire PT session. Despite the fact that she was upset, the PT saw tremendous improvement from last Thursday. Maddy’s crawl is no longer clumsy and awkward, and we’ve almost completely gotten rid of her one foot, one knee crawl. Maddy is pulling up properly with prompting – even when upset, which is a good sign as our PT explained that old habits tend to take over when upset. We’re still working on her sitting down properly.

Before we left therapy, I gave Maddy another snack, knowing that she was exhausted and would soon fall asleep. She was asleep within a minute of the car starting. She slept the entire way home. I was cursing in the front seat, dying for a nap, but knowing that she’d be awake when we got home. I was pleasantly surprised when we arrived home… stopping the car didn’t wake Maddy up. So, I opened a door, lowered my seat, and had an hour nap in our driveway.

When Maddy woke up at 3pm she was in a fairly pleasant mood. I took the opportunity to clean (instead of eating… my lunch consisted of a chocolate protein shake and a Pepsi… I know… bad). I just knew that if I didn’t clean then, I wouldn’t get another opportunity, and our house was a disaster with a capital d, and it was starting to stress me out. I was able to get a couple of pots washed, the dishwasher unloaded and loaded, and the floor almost done before Maddy started fussing.

The fussing quickly turned into crying. Big tears, heaving sobs – the cry I’m so familiar with. I tried everything, but nothing seemed to calm her. I tried deep massage, swinging, spinning, bouncing, rocking, feeding, bath time… but nothing worked. She cried for almost three hours by the time Eric got home. When Eric walked through the door, I was a puddle of exhaustion, frustration, anger, and sadness. Sadly, it’s the chaos that Eric is welcomed home to frequently.

What happened after that, I’m not sure. Thankfully Eric took Maddy and I rested. I talked on the phone, I watched some TV, and caught up on my email. I was relieved to see an email from a former boss, someone who has mentored me over the years, and who has had a somewhat similar life experience. She said two things that really hit home yesterday. She acknowledged that some days will be hard, but reminded me that each day is a new day, “Yes you will get tired and feel like you have hit the wall but we are only given one day at a time to deal with.” She left me with a piece of advice that I know I will be repeating to myself frequently, “Find some beauty around you each day.

Yesterday was yesterday. It was long, it was tough, and it tested my patience. Today is today. It is a new day. Now I must go and find its beauty.


7 responses »

  1. I love the advice to find the beauty in each day but I’d also encourage you to try to find the beauty in Miss Maddy each day. Sorry that you’re having a couple of tough days. Wish I was closer. 😦 We will have to give you a break Easter weekend!

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